I’ve found myself in a long season of fear and confusion and doubt and tears. I’ve found myself questioning everything from my ability to get up in the morning to my relationship, searching and crying out, wondering how I got to where I am today.
I’ve been overwhelmed by fear and doubt, worried that I’m going to somehow slip off of God’s grid and out of his love. I’ve been tearful and quick to anger, frustrated and sensitive.
I have a million questions about how this adult life is supposed to work- everything from paying your bills to staying in love, and none of it seems easy.
I’m resisting the change that’s happened in my life with everything in me, my thoughts a constant stream of what’s wrong and what doesn’t look like I thought it would.
I’m so unaccustomed to feeling so shaky, so nervous, so negative, that I’m constantly seeking a reason for my out-of-character behavior.
“It’s the day… it’s the weather… it’s the season… it’s my job. It’s my relationship… it’s my homesickness… it’s… it’s… it’s…”
But no matter the explanation, no matter how I try to excuse or explain away my thoughts and my fears, no matter how I try to do things differently, no excuse and no plan seem to be big enough for the breadth of change happening in my life these days.
It all changed in the matter of a few days… all of it. I moved to a new place, to a new community, to a new job. I began my life as an adult in a real way, struggling to pay my bills and to figure out how to be responsible. My friends are far away and so is my family. I’m very much alone. But I’m also not alone. There’s a whole new community here, a whole new set of personalities, of conflicts and of celebrations. I have a fantastic roommate and a wonderful boyfriend, both who love me more than I deserve. But even those relationships are strange and new too. They don’t feel comfortable- not always. They feel good and right, but at times I see this life through the lens of the eyes I used to have, and I wonder who they are and where they came from.
None of this life looks predictable, none of it looks like anything I ever imagined, and sometimes, in the most tender parts of the night, I wonder how I got here without a fight. I wonder how this life started and how I got so deep into it without freaking out or wondering.
But here I am, in a whole new life, and my heart is struggling to catch up.
There is no excuse for the way I’ve been feeling and acting- there’s no all-encompassing reason, nothing that explains it away with the wave of a hand.
This season is a deep, gut-wrenching season of change. It’s good and it’s beautiful, and in so many ways it’s a dream come true for me, but at the same time, it’s different. And my heart needs awhile to catch up.
I need some tears and a long sleep, someone patient enough to let me verbally process, and a hug. I need a moment to freak out and I need the Lord to come meet me in that, guiding me through, reminding me that he never left and never will.
I want to be grateful, to see the world for the pops of color and champagne toasts that it is. I want to notice the beauty of the south, the flavors of my Sumatra coffee and the feeling of being wrapped up in the world’s best hugs… and I can sometimes. But not always. I’m just not there yet.
I need a moment to be in process, and I’m deciding that that’s perfectly ok.
I woke up a few days after writing that, feeling peace for the first time. Several days of tears and lots and lots of prayer brought me to a place where my heart was able to take in a deep breath- finally.
I think that we resist change, each of us in our own way. We try to manipulate our emotions, convincing ourselves that we should feel different than we do. I try to maintain a constant, positive equilibrium, panicking when the dial swings a little too close to ‘discontent’.
We justify and apologize for the way that we feel, or at least I do, thinking that if I loved God just a little bit more, or was just a bit more obedient or faithful, or a little bit less emotional, that I could handle all of this change without batting an eye.
But it’s just not true.
I’ve learned more lessons than I know how to count in these last few weeks, hard lessons that have been nearly impossible to swallow. I’ve wrestled and cried, fought and questioned. I’ve stayed up at night and tossed and turned, waking up with puffy eyes and a tender heart.
But I’m glad that I did.
This weekend I had conversations with several friends where I was able to empathize and speak into places where they’re wrestling too. I was able to say, my heart raw from recent experience, that we’re enough, that the season we’re going through is beautiful even when it’s hard, and that however you’re feeling is normal and ok.
I’m learning to ride the waves of change with more peace and acceptance, offering myself grace when I respond with fear or resistance. I’m learning that change is a beautiful thing and it grows us and refines us, making us look more like Jesus.
But most of all I’ve learned that regardless of the season, what’s changing or staying the same, that God’s good. And that when we lay ourselves open to the things that he’s changing around and in us, that’s when we get to see his best work done.
I’ll have to learn this lesson again the next time my world is shaken up. But for today, rainy, lovely today, I’m going to rest in this peace, cozy and grateful.