“That’s your husband…” I thought he told me.
I pressed my ear in closer. “God, are you sure?!”
I swear I heard a ‘yes,’ my heart squeezing and preparing for the unknown future that lay ahead. It was an unknown future with one name attached.
“That’s him,” he told me. “You’re going to marry that man.”
***
We can hear from the Lord, we’re taught, if we tune in and listen closely.
And so we try. We listen in, pressing our ear close to his chest, listening for his heartbeat and for the answer to the biggest question we’ve ever asked.
God- who am I going to marry?
And then one day, we think we receive an answer. We get a ‘yes’ or maybe a name. A sign even.
People who don’t believe that God still speaks let this be their one exception. “God told me who I was going to marry,” they remember dreamily.
It’s confirmed, it seems. Your friends pray and seem to hear the same ‘yes.’ You’re sure, confident, ready.
We want our stories to be linear and laid out, God-like insurance policies guarding our biggest decision yet. We stop looking for compatibility, similarities or common interests, looking instead for that one ‘yes.’ Details aside.
Some stories work out like this – the answer clear, the circumstances reflect the same. Things unfold perfectly, unrolling like a red carpet leading to marriage. And even better – marriage foretold.
These are the Christian love stories we crave – the ones we want to hear over and over, looking for traces of our lives in their stories – hoping that ours will end that way too.
But sometimes our stories don’t end that way.
Mine didn’t.
I spent a year pressing in- asking again and praying obediently.
I prepared in every way I knew how – praying and cleaning my heart deeply, trying to get out the hurt and messiness that I was sure would get in the way.
But then the end of the year came- I was wrong. It wasn’t him. It couldn’t be. It wouldn’t be good. It wouldn’t be right. But then why did God say that?
In my confusion and hurt I searched for a conclusion- any conclusion.
Either the Lord was wrong, or I don’t hear from him. Both deductions were painful and scary – neither one offering peace.
And more and more I’ve realized that this is not just my story. I’m surrounded by women who, at one point or another, have received a false positive on who they’re going to marry. A word or a sign or an answered prayer leaves them sure– and then heartbroken and confused when it just doesn’t pan out.
So where’s the disconnect?
I believe with all of my heart that God still speaks. I believe that we can hear him in a million different ways, his voice becoming familiar and comforting to us as he guides us gently.
But I’m not sure that God tells us who to marry before we get there – not specifically anyway. And if he does, I’m wondering if it may be the exception rather than the rule.
In scripture, God tells a lot of people to do specific things, but he usually makes himself pretty clear. Bushes talk and so do donkeys, a voice comes down from heaven, God isn’t shy when it comes to making his will known. But I can’t think of many instances where he told the woman who she was going to marry, or even more rare, told her friends first.
In scripture, God has laid out a million guidelines (small exaggeration) for how we’re to handle our marriages. He teaches us to honor each other, showing us what the other person needs and how to love and respect them best. Marriage is an earthly representation of his relationship with us– it’s safe to say he’s invested.
But I don’t think that he plays matchmaker beforehand like we are expecting him to, revealing things to us like a Godly game of MASH– ‘you will marry him and have 6 kids and live in a tree house.’
I think that he gives us a choice.
And when we think about it, I think that we’d prefer this option. God doesn’t force us to love him and so it wouldn’t make sense for him to force us to love each other. He lives in us, his spirit as our ever-present counselor and I think he trusts us to make our own decision.
There are bad options, certainly. Relationships that are abusive in some way are probably not within his will and there is a myriad of other reasons why he’d gently steer us away from walking down the aisle. But those scenarios aside, I think that we’re pretty equipped to make this decision without him forcing our hand.
I want someone to marry me because they chose me and because they want to. Not because God forced them. Marriage is a constant stream of choices, choosing each other again and again (or so I hear) and I’d like us to start practicing right away.
And so I think it’s time to trust our eyes to see – giving our ‘God antennae’ a rest from the marriage channel.
When it’s time to talk about marriage, we’ll be in a good relationship, a life-giving one, one that we can see ourselves in for the long haul. I think that that person will be on the same page, seeing us in the same way that we see them. I think that our big questions will have some answers and most of our big doubts will be gone. I think that we’ll have some peace and hopefully the support of the people in our lives, vouching for the fact that this thing is good.
We’ll be in love with our best friend. It wont be a code to be cracked, a set of clues to be deciphered, or a formula to complete. It’ll just be there, simple and beautifully complex all at the same time, an earthly reflection of the way God loves us.
And I hope that it takes us by surprise.
I hope that we can let go of our desire for insurance and reassurance and let ourselves get caught up in things entirely other. I pray that we can get swept away in our gifts and talents and friendships, fighting for freedom and justice and laughing really, really hard.
I pray that when we meet the person we are going to marry, that we don’t see it coming, caught in a whirlwind of the beautiful things that lay between now and then.
And without proof or concrete direction or a decisive answer to take to the bank, I pray that we can trust the Lord. I pray we let him do what he does best, swirling with us in the perfect color of today, all the while preparing us for the lovely things that come next.
And as for my story? It’s not over yet, in fact it’s just beginning. But I know that God is so good and that my preparation wasn’t wasted. I know now that I wasn’t meant to marry that man for a million different, beautiful reasons. But mostly, because God had something else in mind.
It wasn’t foretold… it’s better. And it certainly caught me by surprise.
Solid stuff, Steph. And God DOES have something else in mind. Something as fabulous as you are
Thanks Susan!
God’s so good like that. 
Thanks so much for that, such a lovely reminder! The Lord is faithful to love and pursue us even during the times are eyes are far from him, how beautiful!
Thanks so much for reading Abby!
somebody told me once that God can’t tell us who we are going to marry because it involves the free will of another person. I like that. I think we want God to make the decision for us so that if it backfires, we can point the finger at him instead of ourselves. great blog, steph!
I completely agree. It’s really scary to take the responsibility for our actions and choices but there’s great fruit in that too!
steph – i love the raw honesty of this blog. i’ve gone through that lesson too, it hurt like a mother. i do think the Lord can tell you your “persons name”, but mostly i’ve found he likes us being in process and not always knowing the final outcome. and when it actually came time to be my turn, i knew i was going to marry joe cause i showed up on my wedding day and said yes.
I love this so much. I completely agree… I think it’s possible, but I think that like most things, God’s much more interested in the condition of our hearts and our process than anything else. That last line about how you knew you were going to marry Joe is going to stick with me. Thank you for your beautiful wisdom.
agreed.
“and when it actually came time to be my turn, i knew i was going to marry joe cause i showed up on my wedding day and said yes.” STOP IT TALIA. I hope I never forget that sentence
to be fair – i heard something similar said somewhere once.
This hits crazy close to my heart. I liked a guy in College and for some crazy reason thought that he was gonna be the one – I spent 4 years waiting around for him. I learned a lot from those four years and I resonate most when you said “When I get married, I want it to be to someone who chose me.”
Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Very encouraging today.
I love this. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad that you see the good that came from that time of waiting. I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one.
Good blog Steph. It reminds me of when I was in graduate school. I went to my therapist, wailing about my fear that I would never get married. What good was it to have a career when I didn’t have a mate to share my life with? Then, I made a decision…I decided that if I couldn’t find someone in Denver, I would go anywhere I wanted and find someone there. Right after making that commitment, I met my husband. I knew from our first date that he was the one. I still went to San Diego and when I returned, we got married. The moral of the story is that you should live your life, knowing that whatever happens isn’t always in your control.
I love this. What great inspiration to live your life fully and trusting through it all. Thank you!
Hi Stephanie! I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now…You’re an awesome writer!
I totally agree with what you’ve written here about us having a choice in who we will marry someday…I feel God is so good for giving us this freedom. I think it’s also important that we not get stuck in the constant process of looking for, “the one”. I feel like for all of us we’ve done this at some point, and in the midst of the process we’ve knowingly or unknowingly sacrificed other relationships (I’m talking non-romantic relationships with either a male or female) that could really be valuable to us down the road.
It’s still kinda crazy to me, but almost a year ago I remember telling God that I was tired of looking for, “the one”…and that I was finally just going to trust that if He thought I was ready for a relationship like that, then He would place that opportunity in my life at some point. It was a big decision for me…but I was determined to focus on God and my other relationships. And I kid you not, Stephanie, it was two weeks later that I had my first interaction with the woman I will marry. Of course I didn’t know it at the time, but I think that’s all apart of the “surprise” you were talking about.
Awesome post!
Jeremy, I love this! Thank you so much for sharing. It’s so good to hear a guy’s perspective and that it’s just as hard to wait and wonder if you’re a guy. I really love that you got to be so surprised. God’s so good that way. Thanks for setting such a great example for us in totally laying it down and living in the meantime, and for being proof that God has really good plans for us when we just relax and stop looking around for it.
Here’s what I truly believe: God writes your story in such a way that is perfect for you. (if you let Him.) He knows you better than you know yourself and knows what’s going to rock your world. He is the ultimate Creator and he’s not going to run out of good, romantic story lines. Why want a “remake” when He can give you “never before seen or heard”? One love story is only “better” than another if someone chooses to label it that way. Also, a specific name doesn’t automatically mean you won’t have work through questions, fears, doubts, and insecurities. If those things are in your heart, they’re going to be an issue no matter what the circumstances are.
Jess, I love that. Thank you so much for sharing your two cents. And thank you so much for being such a fantastic example of what a real, beautiful love story looks like. I love the individuality of yours and I love that it’s not better or worse or easier or harder than the next.
Well said Jessica. I believe that as Christians, while we do have free will, God wants us to seek his guidance as to who to marry, given the importance of such a decision. The bible says that if we acknowledge him in all of our ways, he will direct our path. I also believe that he does not treat with every Christian in the same way. There are some that he will tell in advance (although they have to be careful that it is his voice speaking and not the devil trying to deceive). There are others that he will not tell in advance but will allow things to unfold. During that period and before we make the final decision, he wants us to seek his will in the matter. If we seek God’s will, we will not go wrong because he is all knowing and his will is perfect. I think the best love story is the one that a Christian allows God to write for him. There is nothing like walking down an aisle and knowing that God has given you 100% approval in your choice because it is also his choice. That’s my dream.
Candice – thank you so much for giving your perspective! I think that you’re absolutely right that God wants us to seek his guidance. I also love that you pointed out that he treats us all differently. We hear him in different ways and he guides us differently. Absolutely true. Thank you so much for reading!
I so needed this today Stephanie! Thank you. Sometimes I take that false whisper and use it as an excuse to run back to what I know is wrong for me. I know it’s just me craving comfort, but I cling to that time I thought I heard God speak to me. But he’s spoken to me so many more times, telling me to only rely on him and only run to him; and that word was loud and clear. Here’s to letting God work and enjoying the ride. Thanks for snapping me out of that vicious cycle!
I’m so glad!! I’m so glad I got to hear a piece of your story. You’re so right. God says so many things to us… So many of those being ‘trust me.’ Thank you so much for sharing!
YEAH. btw, I will still marry a celeb and we will live in a treehouse and we will have 6 kids and make >$100,000.00 and drive a volvo. MASH told me. k that’s all, I love you and this and getting to watch your love story unfold from the front row.
Me too. MASH has all the answers. We used to have to choose religions in our MASH (Christian school kids, sheeesh) and there was one sleepover where we made a girl cry, because she was like, “BUT I DON’T WANNA BE A BUDDHIST!!!”
I cannot stop laughing.
Who is the Carly person? I feel like we should probably be friends. haha
Who is this Carly person? I feel like we need to be friends.
This is the best.
Thank you for this blog. I have and AM struggling with this exact same thing, it is good to know I’m not the only one. Your writing is beautiful and inspiring!
Maggie- I’m so glad! Thank you so much for reading!!
So the night after reading this blog I ended up going to dinner with someone I thought I would never be interested in because I thought “I” had it all planned out and then of course I found myself COMPLETELY taken by surprise and the both of us laughing REALLY hard…we’ve started seeing each other and I can’t help but smile at God’s sense of humor and timing
This is so great!! I love everything about this!
Well, Jeremy beat me with the guy’s perspective, but still this is beautifully written and from the depths of your heart. It shows in the way you write, so don’t change that…it’s those types of writing which can truly impact the world for someone or for lots of someones.
I’m going through the same process I think to where I need to just let go, and let Him be the source of everything; where I just let Him be the One I lean on and not let the craving of my heart rule my actions. I need to live and let go of my ‘death grip’ on my desire to be married right. this. instant. And so I must wait too. Ha I love it though, never know what will happen.
I also love the part about it being a ‘choice’, esp. within marriage and wish I could somehow express that to my parents who are struggling…hmmm…anyways, yeah beautiful words and keep writing! Blessings!
How may I pray for you??
Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it!
It’s so good to hear the male perspective. We need it much more often.
You’re welcome!! No problem at all!!
Love it. This so needed to be said. And probably repeated over and over again
Thanks Tuttle! You’re the best.
YUP. I entered a relationship hesitantly, but there were very clear signs and encouragement from close friends even though I didn’t have peace in my heart. I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have because I thought all of the signs would somehow cover all of the flaws and unhappiness. Once I finally broke up with him, I realized I had placed the signs above the things that the Lord DOES lay out for us to look for in a spouse: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, humbleness, self-control.
When I began dating the man who I would eventually marry, there was such an incredible peace in my heart because of the character I saw in him that I didn’t even need the ‘signs’ (although they were there loud and clear). The ultimate ‘sign’ was that I knew this man was God’s vessel to love me through here on earth. The same will happen for you – it will be so obvious that the Lord will speak loud and clear through you knowing GOD’S love for you in a new way through him.
Kate- what fantastic insight! Thanks so much for sharing!
What a beautiful, brave challenge. A vulnerable place to shine into. A place most of us dare to think of OFTEN. Way to nail it, Steph! Thank you…..thank you! May our hearts embrace the fullness of today by the graces in which we have been taught. May love abide in the small crevices of everything we perceive & see.
I’m so thankful for these words. You’re so encouraging, sweet lady!
xoxo
Thank YOU! You made my day!
Clearly this resonates with alot of people- your words are wise! I love hearing your descriptions of your lessons you’ve learned. This phrase is gonna stay with me for a while: “swirling with us in the perfect color of today”. I love that mental picture!
Dawn you’re so sweet. Thank you so much for reading and for your encouragement. I can’t explain how much it means to me!
This is so encouraging words cannot begin to express! Thank you so much for sharing this and for allowing God to work in and through you!
Thank you so much!! I’m so glad!
Dear Stephanie,
I feel like this article has been written especially for me. I recently got out of a relationship with a man who I thought was going to be my husband. I had already started planning for the wedding and day-dreaming about having his babies, when all of a sudden, out of the blue, he left me for his ex. I was devastated to say the least because for whatever reason, I foolishly thought this was the guy God intended for me. I had been praying for a companion and I somehow mistook the first guy who hit on me as a message that God had sent him for me, ignoring the various ‘signs’ and ‘warnings’ from my loved ones telling me how he was not the right one for me. I guess I was so desperate to get married that I let my impulses take the role of ‘God’s little voice’ in my head. I am still grieving the loss and learning from my mistake. And chancing upon this article is another step to my healing process. I love your perspective on this and it has given me an insight which will only help me strengthen my faith. Thank you and God bless you.
Benny,
Thank you so, SO much for sharing your story with me. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. I know how much this hurts… I wish I didn’t. But I know for a fact that this will heal, you will get past this, and that there are many fantastic men in the world. Take the time to heal from this, forgive yourself – and let the Lord put things back together. He’s a god of the best kinds of plans. I know he has one for you too. Thank you again for sharing. All my love!